Grieving Time Frames - What is Normal?

I am sharing this post from Hope for Widows Foundation's Facebook Page - www.facebook.com/hope4widows- This post was written by Ellen Gerst, one of the Advisory Board Members of the Foundation. Their website is www.hopeforwidows.org. This story might help you understand that grief doesn't go away overnight and will be a long process for your widowed friend to work through. Be supportive and patient as she works through the process. 

If you are looking for a good book for your widowed friend, you may want to purchase on Amazon -Words of Comfort To Pave Your Journey of Loss - which is also written by Ellen. It is written for a grieving widow, by a widow, who has walked in her shoes and been successful at working through the grief process. It is an excellent read. 

Sincerely, Gwen

Right after my late husband passed away, a counselor told me that (because it was a sudden death) it would take me approximately five to seven years to feel truly healed from the wound inflicted upon my heart and soul. To tell you the truth, I thought she was out of her mind when she said that. I thought to myself, “That’s a really LONG time and I can’t imagine feeling the way I do for that length of time.”

Turns out she was right, though. When I hit the seven-year mark, it really did make a difference. It isn’t that I grieved deeply the entire seven years OR that I even grieved in the same way and for the same things each year. It was simply, somehow, at that juncture, it just felt different.

This turn of events made me consider the theory that states there is a natural release of energy every seven years. I think this encourages you to move forward and make changes. Moreover, learning to listen to your inner self, rather than to friends and family, or to your outer self (which is what you project to the world), helps you to flow with these cycles and find change less fearful.

Actually, this cycle of seven years also applies to your physical being. Steven Hall said, “Every single cell in the human body replaces itself over a period of seven years. That means there's not even the smallest part of you now that was part of you seven years ago.”

So, for those of you just starting out on your grief journey, I know that this span of 7 years looks interminable (and for those who experienced an expected death of their partner, 2-3 years is a more likely time frame for healing). The “trick” to get through every year to utilize the time for your best benefit. For me, those seven years were filled with self-discovery that has served me well since then. In fact, in regard to getting in touch with my true self, they were probably the most important seven years of my life.

Having shared all this, please know that this is simply my story and your grief and the time you will need to heal is unique to you.

Just as the Kubler-Ross model of the 5 stages of grief is a framework to validate your roller coaster of emotions, so the time frames mentioned above are a framework, too. You will work through your grief in your own way and in the amount of time you need. The operative word in that sentence is WORK, though. If you want to reach that “light at the end of the tunnel” YOU must participate in thoughts and activities that will continually move you one step closer to it.

©Ellen Gerst, http://www.LNGerst.com/

Don't be afraid

Supporting a widow can, at times, be intimidating. Figuring out the "right" things to say and do is difficult. Even though every widow is different and therefore her needs and the way she grieves will be different, there are some things that seem to ring true with most widows. This is a small list created to help the supporter of a widow to see some basic guidelines and ideas about how to support a widow. Also listed are a few things that may seem like the right thing to do, but are generally not helpful to a widow.

We hope that this post encourages you to continue reaching out in love to your widowed friend, and helps you to understand more what you can do to help.

1) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Keep in touch. Don’t assume your friend needs room or space to grieve. There is already something huge missing in their life. Don’t be another missing piece. A quick call, text, email, card, etc go a long way. Many widows comment that they are terrified that after the funeral is over, that people go on with their lives yet their own life will never be the same. Losing their spouse already creates the feeling of loneliness, abandonment, and insecurity of the future; they don’t need to lose their friends as well.

2) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Verbalize and admit you don’t know what to say/do. Be honest. Tell them, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Widows would rather you tell them that you don’t know what to say or do vs. trying to understand by telling them a story of losing your friend or even a close relative. They may be able to hear your story later, but not now. Being there is more important than understanding. Pretending to understand is never okay.

3) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Tell your widowed friend that you want to do specific things for them. A widow’s life has been turned upside down and they deserve clear and concise conversation. Normally, they are in such turmoil, if you ask them what you can do for them, they don’t even know what they want and may turn you down because saying yes requires energy to receive your offering. Tell them, “I am going to come over and sit with you at ___ time”; “I am going to bring you dinner on _____”; “I am going to go run errands with/for you because I see you need X Y and Z done. I will be over tomorrow to do that with you.” Try some of these instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything” or “Call me if you need anything.” If you feel like you are being too pushy, tell them you will continue to do things for them until they tell you no too or that it is too much. Too much is always better than not enough.

4) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Talk about and mention your friend’s spouse. Let your friend know you still cherish the memories you all had together. Refer to our husband’s acts or words—serious or humorous. Widows are comforted by knowing that their spouse has not been forgotten. Many widows say that 2 to 3 years after their spouse’s passing, they long to hear someone mention the person who is still encompassing their thoughts yet seems to be forgotten by everyone else.

5) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Invite your widowed friend to events. Even if they decline a few, keep trying. Don’t assume what they will or will not be up for. Let them know you thought of them and still would like to include them. Do not assume they will not be interested in participating in couples events. Many widows discuss how they were close with other couples and then they lose touch because the couples stop inviting them along which further isolates them reminding them that they are alone.

6) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Accept where a widow is in their grief process. Marriages are brief, long, healthy, dysfunctional, intense, and remote.. Death comes suddenly or in tiny increments over years. Their marriage experiences are so different, as are we. Grief is a journey and there isn’t a specific timeline on when a widow should move from one stage of the grieving process to the next. Allow them to be where they are and don’t try to push them to the next stage because you believe they should be moving forward at a faster rate.

7) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Follow up on what you said you would do. If you are not sure that you will be able to follow through on an offer (to take dinner, or do something with your widowed friend) then don’t make the offer at all. A better solution would be to merely say “I’m thinking of you” than to not follow through with what you said you would do.

*This post was originally a "status series" that we did on our facebook page. We made it into a blog so that it would be easier to find and read in the future.

By Vi - Co-Founder of Friends of Widows

Supporting a widow: it's a journey not a destination

By Vi - Friends of Widows Co-Founder

Being an emotional supporter for a widow is not easy. Our widowed friends don’t come with instruction manuals about how to handle their bouts of crying, their bitterness, anger, silent treatments, and everything in between.

If you have chosen to be an emotional supporter to your widowed friend try to remember that she is on a journey. She does not know her destination, or what her “new normal” will be… and neither do you. You may feel that you know best how she should be progressing through grief. You may feel that she should be “past” this or that by now, but as her supporter and friend, it is not your job to tell her where she should be or what she should be doing. It is your job to support her where she is, not where she isn’t.  

Supporting a person who has lost their significant other is completely different than any other type of emotional support you could give some one. In a normal friendship, most tough situations that your friend might be faced with come and go relatively quickly. If you help a regular friend through her break up, you are quickly helping her back onto her feet. She can “get over it” in a few weeks/months and will usually be back to normal. Supporting a widow is completely different. Her life is FOREVER changed. Acknowledge that. Respect that. Don’t try to change it. Her life and future plans have been completely altered and affected by her widowhood, and they can’t be “put back on track” in a few months, or even

years! 

I think often times we begin supporting our widowed friends the same way we would support any one else through any other crisis big or small. We then wonder why our witty sayings, our profound things we believe will be “her answer,” or our fruit baskets don’t make it all better. It is important for us to understand that supporting a widow is completely different than any other supportive relationship you may or ever will participate. One of the most helpful things for me to hear was the phrase (spoken to me by another widow) “you cannot fix her”. That took awhile to sink in, because I am naturally a “fixer”, and I think a lot of the struggles in my relationship with Rachel were coming from me feeling like I was a failure of a friend because I was not doing a good job “fixing” her by having the right answer how to alleviate her grief.

Do not go into your relationship with her expecting to be the “one” who says the magical right words that get her “back on track” and allow her to embrace life with a smile again. Those magic words do not exist. Nothing you say or do will “fix” her. Allow that to sink in….Nothing you say or do will fix her. Just as nothing can bring her significant other back. You can give her all the love you have in your heart, and it will still wont be enough because it is not be the love of her beloved.

This may sound depressing, and for a go-getter/problem solver like myself, it would almost make me want to give up. “If I can’t fix it, then why bother?” The answer is because you can offer love. You can offer support at whatever stage of the journey she is in. She has been abandoned by her best friend, lover, and the one she was committed to spending the rest of her life with. The future that was once bright and filled with wonder, now seems dull, cold and gray, and filled with nothing but lonely tears. She may be at the point where she can not see light and not feel love. What she needs is some one to come along side her to be a little warmth, light and love.

Choosing to be that friend, that warmth and the little light of love is a selfless act. She probably does not have the same personality that you have known and loved for so many years. She probably cries more that she laughs, and may speak many a harsh word to you when you are trying to help. Don’t regret choosing to help. She may not have the strength to thank you today, or even this year, but continue sharing love with her. Continue walking down the path with her. Don’t choose her destination for her. Don’t tell her that she has to have any specific destination. Sit with her when she does not have the strength to walk and remind her it’s ok to cry. Show her she is not abandoned and forgotten. Take your cues from her. Figure out her needs and minister to them. Each widow receives and responds to the love of a friend in different ways, so you have to discover for yourself the best, specific, ways to support and love your friend. Just know that being there on the journey with her is a good place to start.

Be willing to be the friend that she needs. Be willing to be the one that loves her through her tears. Be willing to be the one that may never be publicly recognized, but is slowly, step by step, helping her find herself again.

It is a heart wrenching, delicate journey of recovery and love. Don’t be afraid to step on the road beside her and be a hand to hold, and a shoulder to cry on. She will travel this road at her own pace and in her own way. Don’t tell her how to travel it, just tell her you will be with her along the way.

Keep in mind that when supporting a widow you will not get the physical encouragement of watching her “recover” in a week, as you would when supporting some one through a small hardship. But you will know that you are helping her life have a little bit of light, and sharing love with a person who may be wondering if there is any love left in the world for her.

There will also be times that you receive the silent treatment or receive bitter, harsh words from her.  It is easy for a supporter to say, “I would never treat anyone this way if my spouse died.” Here is the truth: We do not know how we would be functioning if the roles were reversed. Do not compare how you “believe” you would grieve to her grieving process.  Try not to take her anger that is being displaced toward you personally.  This is not easy. I know. Just know that she probably doesn’t realize how she is acting.  There is a fine line that you will need to determine regarding supporting her through her anger and maybe needing to take a break, and let her know that no matter how much she is grieving, it isn’t ok for her to treat you this way. This is a very touchy subject, something that needs to be handled carefully and with much grace.

Don’t give up hope supporters. Remember the beautiful heart of your friend, even as it is broken, is hidden under much grief. Remember her, and remind her through love, who she is. <3

Supporting a widow: after the funeral

*This post is the first in a series we will be doing called “supporting a widow:” Each post will give ideas and/or resources for supporting a widow through different stages of grief and in different walks of life. But because each person grieves differently there isn't a "5 step" easy process to helping your friend through her grief. These posts are just to be used as guidelines or starting points for you to use as you figure out how you can best support your friend. Each widow is unique just as each person is, so part of your job as a supporter is to “custom build” a plan about how you can best show your support to your friend. We offer you support, and a place to begin. *

The time between your friend losing their spouse and the funeral seems to pass in the blink of an eye.  There are so many to-do’s that everyone stays busy and adrenaline keeps everyone moving.  Once the funeral is over, we as supporters often ask ourselves, “Now what?”. The first question you should ask yourself is:

Are you a physical or emotional supporter?

I (Gwen) am a “doer” which makes me a physical supporter. After Michelle’s husband died, I immediately jumped in doing the dishes, laundry, shopping, etc. Of course, I was a emotional supporter also but, many of the lengthy cries with Michelle, were filled by other friends while I was in the background doing the dishes! I am not sure why I seem to leave the dishes in the sink at my own house though!

I (Violet) am also a doer by nature. So since Rachel and I live in different states after her husband’s funeral I assumed that because of our circumstances, there was nothing I could really do to support her. But now, I have become an emotional supporter for Rachel, I call her every few days, check up her via email, send her cards in the mail on important days etc. I do these things to make sure she knows she is not forgotten. Even if you are a ‘doer’ by nature you may find that because of circumstances in your own life or family emotional support may be how you need to show your love for your friend.

In this article, I (Gwen again) will mainly address the physical supporter with some resources that cover the emotional supporter.  I realize that there is a fine line between supporting and enabling your widowed friend.  I have heard many widows’ supporters ask how to define this line.  (blog post on this very topic coming soon!) Unfortunately there isn’t a specific answer that fits every relationship. My suggestion is to imagine the time when the widow will be able to start reengaging in life an how that transition is going to affect them.  In my situation, many of us supporters jumped in and fulfilled every duty of Michelle’s life for many months.  She literally sat on her couch and cried for months while everyone not only was fulfilling the physical needs of her house but, people were stepping in to discipline her children, get them bathed, etc. because she had ‘shut down’. I now know this "shut down is 100% normal and to be expected. I personally believe doing EVERYTHING for the widow is a disservice.  She was continually saying she was afraid people would forget about her and continue living their lives when her life was never going to be the same again.  Because everyone was performing every function of her household and child rearing, when people finally did need to get back to their lives, it added to her feelings of abandonment and loneliness and it took a lot for her to reengage since everyone had been doing everything for her. 

I AM NOT SAYING that supporters should sit back and let your widowed friend figure life out on their own. I am saying to assist them into learning how to single parent and run a household on their own and don’t take over their life like I did.  Ask them what they think they can do and what they would like you to do. I know all of us "well doers" caused Michelle’s transition back into life a lot harder.

There may be some things or decisions that your friend cannot handle at first, that is okay. But instead of doing the grocery shopping for her every time, offer to do it with her instead. Same goes for laundry and cooking. You can do it for her some, but oftentimes offer to do it with her.

Something else you can do to help your friend is to connect her with other widows. A great avenue for this is the Hope for Widows Facebook Page - a closed group for widowed women. There, she can find people to emotionally support that really understand what she is going through, because they are going through it too.

There are so many resources that weren’t available 4 years ago when Michelle’s husband died.  I have recently found the resources listed below.  People gave Theresa quite a few books but Theresa was not ready to read a book for many months after her husband died.  After a few months, I started reading the books people had given her and that when I felt I finally started to gain some understanding. Chances are, your widowed friend won’t be ready to read a book either so you will probably need to read the book yourself to know how to help your widowed friend.  Here are a few resources I wish had been available after the funeral:

1. For the immediate household organization, financial things to figure out, and just figuring out how to help her get her ducks in a row, I like the book “SOLO-Getting It All Together When You Find Yourself Alone” by Roslyn Reynolds, you can buy it here.  She is LDS which is a Christian faith so a few of the things on her to do list are related to the LDS faith.  Most of those items can be substituted for any religion.  Her to-do list is the most thorough I have read thus far regardless what religion you choose to believe. 

2. For learning how to single parent, How Tough Mom’s Succeed In Tough Times by Tiffany Berg and can be purchased here.  It is my understanding that her website is being reworked so if you don’t find the actual place to purchase the book, you can email her at tiffany (at) tiffanyberg(dot)com and she will give you the correct information.  This book is EXCELLENT for any parent either single or married.  I laughed and cried through this book because I was able to look at my parenting skills and apply a few things.  (I use the word few loosely!)

3. The basics for a widow to quickly learn how to function immediately after the funeral through the next 90 days, I really like an article written by Linda Della Donna called For the New Widow: Ten Tips To Help Her Survive…After the Funeral.  She has an entire series of articles, they are great resources for a new widow. She has written many articles for friends of widows as well. These articles will be in your best interest to read to know what the widow is thinking and feeling. You can find these articles and more great resources on Linda’s website.

For those of you offering emotional support, we could write an entire novel on what to do.  Ellen Gerst has the perfect saying to describe the decisions ahead for a widow.  She says, “You will either DECIDE to just SURVIVE by going through the motions of life without the emotions, OR you will DECIDE to THRIVE. THE DECISION IS YOURS. You can make a conscious decision to move forward through your grief journey in order to find a place of peace, acceptance, and personal renewal, or you can decide to stay stuck in sadness forever. Over time, you must learn to put your grief in perspective and let it work for you, rather than be its slave. It is not possible to go back in time before your loss. Your ultimate power lies in how you respond to the new circumstances of your life.” This is a very touchy subject for a non-widow to discuss with a widow because we have not walked in their shoes.  If the widow you are supporting is choosing to survive, Ellen’s website has a great article called, “101 Tips and Thoughts on Coping with Grief”. 

Remember that has the friend of a widow, it is not your job to tell her how to grieve or when she should be doing or not doing things. Your job is to support her as she grieves in her way. Offering emotional support to a widow can be a daunting task because she will not be “fixed” by you. All the support and love you can offer will not make it all better, but it can help her to know that she has not been abandoned by every one, and she is still loved. And something a simple of that is essential to a widow (and every one really).

I hope these resources and tips can assist you to gain a bit more insight into what a widow is feeling and how to best support her after the funeral.  As the supporter of a widow, I had many people judging me on if my actions were enabling, supporting, not enough, etc for Theresa.  What I know is that if you move forward with a prayer in your heart to have God and her soul mate both watching you from heaven and assisting you with her needs, that you will know how best to serve your widowed friend.