Why Your Widowed Friend Loses Focus in the Middle of Her Sentences....Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome

By Gwen - Co Founder of Friends of Widows & Hope for Widows

Over the last year, I've had the honor of meeting thousands of widows, and striking differences started to appear between widows who lost their husbands at a young age, and those whose husbands passed away in their later years.  As  I have been interacting with many widows, I started noticing similar patterns began to emerge. Many of these women were strong, business-minded women who had the world at their fingertips before their spouse passed.  Since then, they struggle to do simple life tasks of cleaning, laundry, paying bills, or signing their child up for an event.

My first experience with this came as a good friend entered her widowhood.  As a friend, I couldn't understand how she'd deteriorated so quickly from the capable woman I knew, and some days, I wanted to shake her and tell her to just sit down and do the task before her.  It became very frustrating for me when I saw things she needed to do that I couldn’t do for her, and she would say she would do them and then wouldn’t follow through.  It was procrastination to the N^th degree and could not understand why she wouldn’t do things that were very important for her and her children. 

Now that I've had the chance to interact with so many other widows, my friend's story is no longer unique. 

The second thing I've noticed is that many of these women wonder if they will ever get over the constant flashbacks of either the moment their husband died or when they received the news of his death.  One woman’s story sticks in my mind.  She wondered if she would ever get the taste of her husband’s blood out of her mouth from when doing CPR on her husband while trying to save his life.  She wondered if she would ever stop feeling the burn of her muscles from the constant chest compressions, hoping one more compression would bring him back to life.  She wondered if she would ever forget the feeling of sweat dripping down her face as she screamed at the phone, asking 911 how much longer until the ambulance arrived.  She wondered if she would ever forget the look of horror on her children’s face as they watched, mimicking her screams begging the 911 operator to save their dad. 

The amazing thing about this story is that I know 5 women who have almost this exact same story.

Most people's worry for a widow is, “What a sad situation. I hope she had life insurance. Hopefully she will remarry soon.”  What doesn't occur is the psychological impact.  For these women, their hopes and dreams of their future are intertwined with the existence of their husband.  Once he's gone, they don’t know how to move forward and will never, “get over it.”  Add that to the flashbacks of his death, the repeated nightmares when they close their eyes of attending their child’s sporting event and seeing their child melt down because their dad is not there or the big celebration they planned to have for their 20^th wedding anniversary and he never shows up, and there you start to see the pattern of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Most people, when they think of the diagnosis of PTSD, they associate the term with military personnel, but it is very clear that this is happening with widows as well. 

A good example of PTSD triggers and how it can be explained in a short comparison to an experience most of us can relate to is when you ask someone about their “first love.” Immediately their demeanor changes to slight euphoria of the “memories” of their puppy love.  They will admit that when they hear specific songs on the radio, smell their old cologne/perfume, or pass a favorite spot, their thoughts bring them back to that era in their life where a feeling of sweetness and tenderness exists.  Well, those songs, smells, foods, and places are also triggers for widows.  Sadly, those triggers bring sweet memories but the trigger takes them to the future: dreams of vacations, events for their children, things they were going to do to the house, the leaky faucet they were going to fix, moments that are never going to play with their beloved husband now because their future has been torn away without an easy answer of replacement. 

Because of the PTSD association with the military, it is easy to sympathize with a military person who may never overcome the flashbacks and anxiety associated with what they saw while they were serving our country, yet we wonder why a widow hasn’t “moved on” after a short period of time, like 6 months.  Occasionally, people even go as far to say that once a widow remarries, she should “get over” the loss of her husband.  That logic would be similar to the comparison that if a parent experiences the loss of a child, having another child could replace the loss of that child's smile, laugh, or fun eccentricities and sweet hugs.  Many widows admit to their excellent acting skills.  To their family members and friends, they look like they are doing fine, yet inside they are seriously struggling. 

As a widow supporter, you can’t try to fix them.  You can support them and recommend they go to a therapist that specializes in grief and PTSD.  Even if children don’t witness the death, they are probably suffering from PTSD as well.  Children's suffering may be compounded because the surviving parent is in a black hole of grief, making them feel they've lost both parents and are silently suffering. 

Hopefully this has generated new insight into what emotionally is happening to a widowed friend and that this will be a catalyst to do more research on PTSD, and to increase sensitivy to what they are experience.

Here is additional information from an article on PTSD from www.helpguide.org:

§         A normal response to trauma becomes PTSD when you become stuck.

§         While everyone experiences PTSD differently, there are three main types of symptoms:

1.       Re-experiencing the traumatic event

o        Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event

o        Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)

o        Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)

o        Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma

o        Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)

2.       Avoiding reminders of the trauma

o        Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma

o        Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma

o        Loss of interest in activities and life in general

o        Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb

o        Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)

3.       Increased anxiety and emotional arousal

o        Difficulty falling or staying asleep

o        Irritability or outbursts of anger

o        Difficulty concentrating

o        Hyper-vigilance (on constant “red alert”)

o        Feeling jumpy and easily startled

§         Symptoms of PTSD in children and adolescents

In children—especially those who are very young—the symptoms of PTSD can be different than the symptoms in adults. Symptoms in children include:

o        Fear of being separated from parent

o        Losing previously-acquired skills (such as toilet training)

o        Sleep problems and nightmares without recognizable content

o        Somber, compulsive play in which themes or aspects of the trauma are repeated

o        New phobias and anxieties that seem unrelated to the trauma (such as a fear of monsters)

o        Acting out the trauma through play, stories, or drawings

o        Aches and pains with no apparent cause

o        Irritability and aggression

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional of any type.  I am merely a friend of a widow who wished that more information had been readily available to me when my friend’s husband died to better understand what she was going through

Sincerely,

Gwen

Supporting a widow: it's a journey not a destination

By Vi - Friends of Widows Co-Founder

Being an emotional supporter for a widow is not easy. Our widowed friends don’t come with instruction manuals about how to handle their bouts of crying, their bitterness, anger, silent treatments, and everything in between.

If you have chosen to be an emotional supporter to your widowed friend try to remember that she is on a journey. She does not know her destination, or what her “new normal” will be… and neither do you. You may feel that you know best how she should be progressing through grief. You may feel that she should be “past” this or that by now, but as her supporter and friend, it is not your job to tell her where she should be or what she should be doing. It is your job to support her where she is, not where she isn’t.  

Supporting a person who has lost their significant other is completely different than any other type of emotional support you could give some one. In a normal friendship, most tough situations that your friend might be faced with come and go relatively quickly. If you help a regular friend through her break up, you are quickly helping her back onto her feet. She can “get over it” in a few weeks/months and will usually be back to normal. Supporting a widow is completely different. Her life is FOREVER changed. Acknowledge that. Respect that. Don’t try to change it. Her life and future plans have been completely altered and affected by her widowhood, and they can’t be “put back on track” in a few months, or even

years! 

I think often times we begin supporting our widowed friends the same way we would support any one else through any other crisis big or small. We then wonder why our witty sayings, our profound things we believe will be “her answer,” or our fruit baskets don’t make it all better. It is important for us to understand that supporting a widow is completely different than any other supportive relationship you may or ever will participate. One of the most helpful things for me to hear was the phrase (spoken to me by another widow) “you cannot fix her”. That took awhile to sink in, because I am naturally a “fixer”, and I think a lot of the struggles in my relationship with Rachel were coming from me feeling like I was a failure of a friend because I was not doing a good job “fixing” her by having the right answer how to alleviate her grief.

Do not go into your relationship with her expecting to be the “one” who says the magical right words that get her “back on track” and allow her to embrace life with a smile again. Those magic words do not exist. Nothing you say or do will “fix” her. Allow that to sink in….Nothing you say or do will fix her. Just as nothing can bring her significant other back. You can give her all the love you have in your heart, and it will still wont be enough because it is not be the love of her beloved.

This may sound depressing, and for a go-getter/problem solver like myself, it would almost make me want to give up. “If I can’t fix it, then why bother?” The answer is because you can offer love. You can offer support at whatever stage of the journey she is in. She has been abandoned by her best friend, lover, and the one she was committed to spending the rest of her life with. The future that was once bright and filled with wonder, now seems dull, cold and gray, and filled with nothing but lonely tears. She may be at the point where she can not see light and not feel love. What she needs is some one to come along side her to be a little warmth, light and love.

Choosing to be that friend, that warmth and the little light of love is a selfless act. She probably does not have the same personality that you have known and loved for so many years. She probably cries more that she laughs, and may speak many a harsh word to you when you are trying to help. Don’t regret choosing to help. She may not have the strength to thank you today, or even this year, but continue sharing love with her. Continue walking down the path with her. Don’t choose her destination for her. Don’t tell her that she has to have any specific destination. Sit with her when she does not have the strength to walk and remind her it’s ok to cry. Show her she is not abandoned and forgotten. Take your cues from her. Figure out her needs and minister to them. Each widow receives and responds to the love of a friend in different ways, so you have to discover for yourself the best, specific, ways to support and love your friend. Just know that being there on the journey with her is a good place to start.

Be willing to be the friend that she needs. Be willing to be the one that loves her through her tears. Be willing to be the one that may never be publicly recognized, but is slowly, step by step, helping her find herself again.

It is a heart wrenching, delicate journey of recovery and love. Don’t be afraid to step on the road beside her and be a hand to hold, and a shoulder to cry on. She will travel this road at her own pace and in her own way. Don’t tell her how to travel it, just tell her you will be with her along the way.

Keep in mind that when supporting a widow you will not get the physical encouragement of watching her “recover” in a week, as you would when supporting some one through a small hardship. But you will know that you are helping her life have a little bit of light, and sharing love with a person who may be wondering if there is any love left in the world for her.

There will also be times that you receive the silent treatment or receive bitter, harsh words from her.  It is easy for a supporter to say, “I would never treat anyone this way if my spouse died.” Here is the truth: We do not know how we would be functioning if the roles were reversed. Do not compare how you “believe” you would grieve to her grieving process.  Try not to take her anger that is being displaced toward you personally.  This is not easy. I know. Just know that she probably doesn’t realize how she is acting.  There is a fine line that you will need to determine regarding supporting her through her anger and maybe needing to take a break, and let her know that no matter how much she is grieving, it isn’t ok for her to treat you this way. This is a very touchy subject, something that needs to be handled carefully and with much grace.

Don’t give up hope supporters. Remember the beautiful heart of your friend, even as it is broken, is hidden under much grief. Remember her, and remind her through love, who she is. <3