*This post is the first in a series we will be doing called “supporting a widow:” Each post will give ideas and/or resources for supporting a widow through different stages of grief and in different walks of life. But because each person grieves differently there isn't a "5 step" easy process to helping your friend through her grief. These posts are just to be used as guidelines or starting points for you to use as you figure out how you can best support your friend. Each widow is unique just as each person is, so part of your job as a supporter is to “custom build” a plan about how you can best show your support to your friend. We offer you support, and a place to begin. *
The time between your friend losing their spouse and the funeral seems to pass in the blink of an eye. There are so many to-do’s that everyone stays busy and adrenaline keeps everyone moving. Once the funeral is over, we as supporters often ask ourselves, “Now what?”. The first question you should ask yourself is:
Are you a physical or emotional supporter?
I (Gwen) am a “doer” which makes me a physical supporter. After Michelle’s husband died, I immediately jumped in doing the dishes, laundry, shopping, etc. Of course, I was a emotional supporter also but, many of the lengthy cries with Michelle, were filled by other friends while I was in the background doing the dishes! I am not sure why I seem to leave the dishes in the sink at my own house though!
I (Violet) am also a doer by nature. So since Rachel and I live in different states after her husband’s funeral I assumed that because of our circumstances, there was nothing I could really do to support her. But now, I have become an emotional supporter for Rachel, I call her every few days, check up her via email, send her cards in the mail on important days etc. I do these things to make sure she knows she is not forgotten. Even if you are a ‘doer’ by nature you may find that because of circumstances in your own life or family emotional support may be how you need to show your love for your friend.
In this article, I (Gwen again) will mainly address the physical supporter with some resources that cover the emotional supporter. I realize that there is a fine line between supporting and enabling your widowed friend. I have heard many widows’ supporters ask how to define this line. (blog post on this very topic coming soon!) Unfortunately there isn’t a specific answer that fits every relationship. My suggestion is to imagine the time when the widow will be able to start reengaging in life an how that transition is going to affect them. In my situation, many of us supporters jumped in and fulfilled every duty of Michelle’s life for many months. She literally sat on her couch and cried for months while everyone not only was fulfilling the physical needs of her house but, people were stepping in to discipline her children, get them bathed, etc. because she had ‘shut down’. I now know this "shut down is 100% normal and to be expected. I personally believe doing EVERYTHING for the widow is a disservice. She was continually saying she was afraid people would forget about her and continue living their lives when her life was never going to be the same again. Because everyone was performing every function of her household and child rearing, when people finally did need to get back to their lives, it added to her feelings of abandonment and loneliness and it took a lot for her to reengage since everyone had been doing everything for her.
I AM NOT SAYING that supporters should sit back and let your widowed friend figure life out on their own. I am saying to assist them into learning how to single parent and run a household on their own and don’t take over their life like I did. Ask them what they think they can do and what they would like you to do. I know all of us "well doers" caused Michelle’s transition back into life a lot harder.
There may be some things or decisions that your friend cannot handle at first, that is okay. But instead of doing the grocery shopping for her every time, offer to do it with her instead. Same goes for laundry and cooking. You can do it for her some, but oftentimes offer to do it with her.
Something else you can do to help your friend is to connect her with other widows. A great avenue for this is the Hope for Widows Facebook Page - a closed group for widowed women. There, she can find people to emotionally support that really understand what she is going through, because they are going through it too.
There are so many resources that weren’t available 4 years ago when Michelle’s husband died. I have recently found the resources listed below. People gave Theresa quite a few books but Theresa was not ready to read a book for many months after her husband died. After a few months, I started reading the books people had given her and that when I felt I finally started to gain some understanding. Chances are, your widowed friend won’t be ready to read a book either so you will probably need to read the book yourself to know how to help your widowed friend. Here are a few resources I wish had been available after the funeral:
1. For the immediate household organization, financial things to figure out, and just figuring out how to help her get her ducks in a row, I like the book “SOLO-Getting It All Together When You Find Yourself Alone” by Roslyn Reynolds, you can buy it here. She is LDS which is a Christian faith so a few of the things on her to do list are related to the LDS faith. Most of those items can be substituted for any religion. Her to-do list is the most thorough I have read thus far regardless what religion you choose to believe.
2. For learning how to single parent, How Tough Mom’s Succeed In Tough Times by Tiffany Berg and can be purchased here. It is my understanding that her website is being reworked so if you don’t find the actual place to purchase the book, you can email her at tiffany (at) tiffanyberg(dot)com and she will give you the correct information. This book is EXCELLENT for any parent either single or married. I laughed and cried through this book because I was able to look at my parenting skills and apply a few things. (I use the word few loosely!)
3. The basics for a widow to quickly learn how to function immediately after the funeral through the next 90 days, I really like an article written by Linda Della Donna called For the New Widow: Ten Tips To Help Her Survive…After the Funeral. She has an entire series of articles, they are great resources for a new widow. She has written many articles for friends of widows as well. These articles will be in your best interest to read to know what the widow is thinking and feeling. You can find these articles and more great resources on Linda’s website.
For those of you offering emotional support, we could write an entire novel on what to do. Ellen Gerst has the perfect saying to describe the decisions ahead for a widow. She says, “You will either DECIDE to just SURVIVE by going through the motions of life without the emotions, OR you will DECIDE to THRIVE. THE DECISION IS YOURS. You can make a conscious decision to move forward through your grief journey in order to find a place of peace, acceptance, and personal renewal, or you can decide to stay stuck in sadness forever. Over time, you must learn to put your grief in perspective and let it work for you, rather than be its slave. It is not possible to go back in time before your loss. Your ultimate power lies in how you respond to the new circumstances of your life.” This is a very touchy subject for a non-widow to discuss with a widow because we have not walked in their shoes. If the widow you are supporting is choosing to survive, Ellen’s website has a great article called, “101 Tips and Thoughts on Coping with Grief”.
Remember that has the friend of a widow, it is not your job to tell her how to grieve or when she should be doing or not doing things. Your job is to support her as she grieves in her way. Offering emotional support to a widow can be a daunting task because she will not be “fixed” by you. All the support and love you can offer will not make it all better, but it can help her to know that she has not been abandoned by every one, and she is still loved. And something a simple of that is essential to a widow (and every one really).
I hope these resources and tips can assist you to gain a bit more insight into what a widow is feeling and how to best support her after the funeral. As the supporter of a widow, I had many people judging me on if my actions were enabling, supporting, not enough, etc for Theresa. What I know is that if you move forward with a prayer in your heart to have God and her soul mate both watching you from heaven and assisting you with her needs, that you will know how best to serve your widowed friend.
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