Grieving Time Frames - What is Normal?

I am sharing this post from Hope for Widows Foundation's Facebook Page - www.facebook.com/hope4widows- This post was written by Ellen Gerst, one of the Advisory Board Members of the Foundation. Their website is www.hopeforwidows.org. This story might help you understand that grief doesn't go away overnight and will be a long process for your widowed friend to work through. Be supportive and patient as she works through the process. 

If you are looking for a good book for your widowed friend, you may want to purchase on Amazon -Words of Comfort To Pave Your Journey of Loss - which is also written by Ellen. It is written for a grieving widow, by a widow, who has walked in her shoes and been successful at working through the grief process. It is an excellent read. 

Sincerely, Gwen

Right after my late husband passed away, a counselor told me that (because it was a sudden death) it would take me approximately five to seven years to feel truly healed from the wound inflicted upon my heart and soul. To tell you the truth, I thought she was out of her mind when she said that. I thought to myself, “That’s a really LONG time and I can’t imagine feeling the way I do for that length of time.”

Turns out she was right, though. When I hit the seven-year mark, it really did make a difference. It isn’t that I grieved deeply the entire seven years OR that I even grieved in the same way and for the same things each year. It was simply, somehow, at that juncture, it just felt different.

This turn of events made me consider the theory that states there is a natural release of energy every seven years. I think this encourages you to move forward and make changes. Moreover, learning to listen to your inner self, rather than to friends and family, or to your outer self (which is what you project to the world), helps you to flow with these cycles and find change less fearful.

Actually, this cycle of seven years also applies to your physical being. Steven Hall said, “Every single cell in the human body replaces itself over a period of seven years. That means there's not even the smallest part of you now that was part of you seven years ago.”

So, for those of you just starting out on your grief journey, I know that this span of 7 years looks interminable (and for those who experienced an expected death of their partner, 2-3 years is a more likely time frame for healing). The “trick” to get through every year to utilize the time for your best benefit. For me, those seven years were filled with self-discovery that has served me well since then. In fact, in regard to getting in touch with my true self, they were probably the most important seven years of my life.

Having shared all this, please know that this is simply my story and your grief and the time you will need to heal is unique to you.

Just as the Kubler-Ross model of the 5 stages of grief is a framework to validate your roller coaster of emotions, so the time frames mentioned above are a framework, too. You will work through your grief in your own way and in the amount of time you need. The operative word in that sentence is WORK, though. If you want to reach that “light at the end of the tunnel” YOU must participate in thoughts and activities that will continually move you one step closer to it.

©Ellen Gerst, http://www.LNGerst.com/

Don't be afraid

Supporting a widow can, at times, be intimidating. Figuring out the "right" things to say and do is difficult. Even though every widow is different and therefore her needs and the way she grieves will be different, there are some things that seem to ring true with most widows. This is a small list created to help the supporter of a widow to see some basic guidelines and ideas about how to support a widow. Also listed are a few things that may seem like the right thing to do, but are generally not helpful to a widow.

We hope that this post encourages you to continue reaching out in love to your widowed friend, and helps you to understand more what you can do to help.

1) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Keep in touch. Don’t assume your friend needs room or space to grieve. There is already something huge missing in their life. Don’t be another missing piece. A quick call, text, email, card, etc go a long way. Many widows comment that they are terrified that after the funeral is over, that people go on with their lives yet their own life will never be the same. Losing their spouse already creates the feeling of loneliness, abandonment, and insecurity of the future; they don’t need to lose their friends as well.

2) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Verbalize and admit you don’t know what to say/do. Be honest. Tell them, “I’m sorry for your loss.” Widows would rather you tell them that you don’t know what to say or do vs. trying to understand by telling them a story of losing your friend or even a close relative. They may be able to hear your story later, but not now. Being there is more important than understanding. Pretending to understand is never okay.

3) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Tell your widowed friend that you want to do specific things for them. A widow’s life has been turned upside down and they deserve clear and concise conversation. Normally, they are in such turmoil, if you ask them what you can do for them, they don’t even know what they want and may turn you down because saying yes requires energy to receive your offering. Tell them, “I am going to come over and sit with you at ___ time”; “I am going to bring you dinner on _____”; “I am going to go run errands with/for you because I see you need X Y and Z done. I will be over tomorrow to do that with you.” Try some of these instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything” or “Call me if you need anything.” If you feel like you are being too pushy, tell them you will continue to do things for them until they tell you no too or that it is too much. Too much is always better than not enough.

4) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Talk about and mention your friend’s spouse. Let your friend know you still cherish the memories you all had together. Refer to our husband’s acts or words—serious or humorous. Widows are comforted by knowing that their spouse has not been forgotten. Many widows say that 2 to 3 years after their spouse’s passing, they long to hear someone mention the person who is still encompassing their thoughts yet seems to be forgotten by everyone else.

5) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Invite your widowed friend to events. Even if they decline a few, keep trying. Don’t assume what they will or will not be up for. Let them know you thought of them and still would like to include them. Do not assume they will not be interested in participating in couples events. Many widows discuss how they were close with other couples and then they lose touch because the couples stop inviting them along which further isolates them reminding them that they are alone.

6) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Accept where a widow is in their grief process. Marriages are brief, long, healthy, dysfunctional, intense, and remote.. Death comes suddenly or in tiny increments over years. Their marriage experiences are so different, as are we. Grief is a journey and there isn’t a specific timeline on when a widow should move from one stage of the grieving process to the next. Allow them to be where they are and don’t try to push them to the next stage because you believe they should be moving forward at a faster rate.

7) DON’T BE AFRAID TO: Follow up on what you said you would do. If you are not sure that you will be able to follow through on an offer (to take dinner, or do something with your widowed friend) then don’t make the offer at all. A better solution would be to merely say “I’m thinking of you” than to not follow through with what you said you would do.

*This post was originally a "status series" that we did on our facebook page. We made it into a blog so that it would be easier to find and read in the future.

By Vi - Co-Founder of Friends of Widows

Family Balance

As a friend of a widow, people often come to me seeking advice about how to help their recently widowed friends. Normally, I find myself rattling off a million ideas but hadn’t really formulated a standard answer. As I have meditated and prayed for answers on how to assist others in their journey of supporting a widow, my answer has become very clear. The answer is simple.  It is to take a step back from the emotion of the situation and discuss with your spouse/significant other and/or children how you as a family would like the support for the widow to look like.  I will tell you my story first and then how I arrived at my answer.

When I received the call 4+ years ago that my best friend Michelle’s husband died, I jumped into overdrive. Unfortunately, I have seen two extremes of support.  First, people either jump into high gear like me or, they feel so overwhelmed by grief, they don’t do anything.  I believe most people immediately put themselves into the widow’s shoes and move forward with actions balancing between what they think they would want done for themselves if they were widowed, and what they think should be done. I too started doing the balancing act along with hearing Michelle saying over and over, “I don’t want people to forget about me,” and “I can’t believe I am doing this alone.” From the first night after her husband died, a few friends and I spent the night at her house for multiple months because she didn’t want to sleep alone and she had young children. We all spent many days at her house assisting her to just breathe. Understandably, it took a long time before she was ready to take back the cooking, cleaning, child rearing, etc from those of us who had stepped in. This is her story. What I didn’t stop to think about was, “What did my story look like during my role of supporter?”

Here is my story: I have an amazing husband and young children. I am so lucky that my husband didn’t leave me for abandoning him during Michelle’s time of grief. If asked, my husband says, “Our life became hers. When my wife wasn’t physically at her house, either Michelle or someone not knowing what to do for Michelle was calling my wife.” My husband married me for my drive and compassion, so my behavior was a bit expected. When the time came, I know it took a lot of courage for him to say, “I need you. I need you to be here when you are here. Chances are, there is a tomorrow and these phone calls from her and others can be answered tomorrow. Please let our time together be about us and our family, not about her and her grief.” What an amazing man I married. WOW.

I began to separate the times with Michelle and my family but because my Michelle had become so dependent on me, I wasn’t sure how to get my own life back when I had been at her house almost every weekday for 6 months. I started to crumble especially because “spectators” were happy to give me their opinions regarding the support everyone was giving Michelle and if it was enabling her not allowing her to move forward or, if we weren’t doing enough for her. I went to a therapist that discussed boundaries and the immediate need for some in my relationship with Michelle. Of course the therapist also had to go through how to overcome the guilt of wanting my own life back and the fact that I still had my husband and she didn’t. The therapist said that I needed to put myself first because I wasn’t giving anyone including myself the energy everyone needed. I realized that I was carrying around so many feelings of anger thinking everyone wanted 110% of me without regard to what it was costing me personally. What I quickly learned is that I WAS CREATING THE SITUATION…. no one was forcing me to behave the way I had been behaving by putting myself last, my family second and my widowed friend and her situation first.

Long story short, I am still happily married and Michelle is still my best friend. After pondering the events of the first 6 months after Michelle’s husband’s death, I now know what the first piece of advice I will give anyone supporting a widow from this day forward. My answer is to immediately sit down with their family and determine what supporting their widowed friend is going to look like for their family. Every hour you support a friend, whether they are widowed, divorced or other, is an hour away from your family. Together, you need to create a plan of how serving the widow and their family this should look. A few of the suggestions that came from the therapist are: 

1) Discuss with your spouse/significant other what level of communication they would feel comfortable for you to be receiving/giving during their time with you.

2) Communicate to the widow that you are not available if/when she calls during family times so that she does not feel abandoned.  Explain that there are only so many hours in a day and the people you love deserve for you to give each of them individually, the one on one time they ought to have.

I received a call from a man asking my opinion on how his family could support his best friend’s wife after the best friend had just passed away. I asked him what had been going through his mind regarding what they could do to help. He stated that there were repairs that needed to be done around her home, yard work to be done, etc and that he was planning on getting to work on those things. I asked him how his wife was going to feel 3 months down the road when he is doing more repair work on his friend’s widow’s home than on his own, how he thought his wife would feel. He sat quiet for a few minutes and then said, “I hadn’t thought through that far, I was just thinking about her immediate needs and how I could help.”  Listening to him being ready to jump into his call to action, is when I got the answer to my first piece of advice to anyone supporting a widow, which is, create a plan as a family. I never stopped to think how my support was affecting others around me, especially my family. 

I am not a therapist, I am not a coach, and I am just a person who always strives to learn from my past. My answer to anyone asking for advice from this day forward is that their first step must be having a family meeting regarding how they best feel they can support the widow and move forward accordingly. When life is out of balance, there isn’t anything that is getting the full attention it deserves.  I realize that people do either too much or too little because often time, they did not discuss it with their family first.

~ Problems arise in that one has to find a balance between what people need from you and what you need for yourself. ~ Author Unknown

By Gwen - Co Founder of Friends of Widows & Hope for Widows